Dear DE Shavers,
I want to share something with you which I’ve been keeping secret for far too long now. I’ve been carrying this deep dark secret around inside, and believe me it’s been no small burden on me personally or emotionally. Until now nobody has known about this, or almost nobody has known about it, except for me.
Over five years ago, I, Phil, built a whole website coordinated around DE shaving- but about one year ago, I secretly started using a certain disposable plastic razor- and I never told any of you about it, the people visiting the Baby Butt Smooth dot com website.
It is a DE shaving sacrilege.
All I can say is that I am sorry. I would like to ask you for your forgiveness. Please just listen to me, and if you could find it in your heart to do so, please give me another chance.
Infidelity often starts when a man is on a business trip… it often happens in a hotel.
I don’t know exactly how or why it all began, but I do have an idea. Infidelity often starts when a man is on a business trip, and in fact, it often happens in a hotel. This is exactly how it went with me. I believe that I first betrayed my loyalty to DE shaving when I was on a business trip, staying in some dump hotel, somewhere in that rotten part of the world we call the Middle East. I sincerely hope that I will live long enough to eventually see the day when the entire Middle East runs out of oil, so that the whole stinking sandy hot region can sink right back into total and complete global irrelevance for the next thousand years. After their oil runs out they’ll go right back to racing camels around the desert, fighting over dates, and wrapping up those poor women like walking mummies.
When you stay in a hotel, you often find a set of toiletries in the bathroom waiting for you. Depending on the hotel, you might also find a shoe horn and a shoe shine kit in the corner of the closet somewhere, and a Holy Bible in the little drawer next to the bed. In this case it wasn’t a Bible in the drawer, it was the Koran, plus an old copy of Juggs magazine. OK, bad joke about the Juggs, it was just the Koran.
Anyway in the bathroom was a disposable razor.
“… once in a while you wanna go out and go get yaself a hamburger.”
When I was 17 or 18 years old I was seduced by an older woman named Joy. Joy must have been at least 50 years old at the time. I don’t care whether you believe me or not, but it happens to be the truth. It was a very exciting experience for me as an innocent young man; Joy taught me a lot. Anyway I remember that I used to ask Joy all sorts of questions; we had a wonderful relationship that way. One of the subjects we discussed was infidelity. I asked her why, for example, Hugh Grant had just paid street prostitute Divine Brown to suck him off in the back seat of a car parked on some random street in LA, when he could have just kicked that AIDS bomb out of his car, raced back to his crib in Beverly Hills, and asked his wife, supermodel Elizabeth Hurley, to suck him off right there in the comfort of his own home. “Phil”, Joy explained, “if ya eat a steak dinner every night of the week, well once in a while you wanna go out and go get yaself a hamburger.” That’s what she said. Joy was a spectacularly honest and charismatic woman.
I had been shaving with DE razors for years, and I had turned a lot of men on to DE razors, extolling the virtues of these amazing, cost beneficial things. Then one day I found myself in that seedy little Middle East hotel room, with a cheap plastic disposable razor sitting beside the sink. It was tempting me; “why not set your stainless steel German engineered Merkur 34C to the side for a brief moment, and come have a quick fling with me”, the cheap thing said.
Guess what- the experience was mind blowing. I hate to admit it, but the experience was mind blowing. It was just mind blowing. Mind blowing.
The thing which really struck me about this little plastic number was the fact that it was super easy to navigate under my nose. This is one thing about DE shaving which has always been something of a pain in the ass for me- the fact that the relatively large head makes it kind of tricky to shave right beneath the nose. Do you know what I’m talking about? Do any of you share that frustration? Those mustache hairs at the top of where your mustache would be, right beneath where your nose begins. I find that it can be tough to shave those hairs with my Merkur 34C, as awesome as the Merkur 34C is.
A super compact head.
I want to very clear here, even though I know that at this point, you probably think that I have no credibility left as a human being. However, this little plastic job had a particularly small head. The super small size of the head, compared with other plastic disposables, really set it apart. Also, when you compare the size of this plastic razor’s shaving head, to the size of the shaving head of the Gillette Mach 9 or 10 or 11 or whatever hell number they’re up to now (it’s like that goddamn “Fast and Furious” film series, which has more installments to it than some cheap American sitcom with canned laughter), the head of this plastic thing was absolutely tiny. I mean tiny. Super compact head.
Another thing. It had a strange button on the top, which I didn’t even know what it was until later on in the game. Let me show you an animated GIF I created in order to illustrate this button’s action:
Do you see what it does? This little button actually clears the hairs out of from between the two blades. That’s what it does.
How did it shave, you now want to know- and in particular, how did it shave compared to a DE razor, like the Merkur 34C? Well the shave was pretty good… but I’m not going to lie. In any case I’m not going to lie any more than I already have, in the sense that I’ve been hiding this whole thing from you for almost a year now. No, it did not give me a Baby Butt Smooth shave- I don’t even think it would be possible to get a Baby Butt Smooth shave out of this plastic thing. However, please keep in mind that all this happened before I discovered grape seed oil. I do believe that with grape seed oil, I could potentially tease out a slightly closer shave, even with this plastic disposable- a shave approaching a Baby Butt Smooth shave. So no, it wasn’t a Baby Butt Smooth shave in that dump hotel room in the Middle East, but I would say it would qualify as a Damn Fine Shave, a DFS.
As for the rest of my DE shaving kit, I was using the usual tools. I had a shaving brush (a cheap brush I absolutely love, which I bought some time back in Amsterdam Holland, where hookers and dope are legal), and I used my Tabac shaving soap, one of my favorite shaving soaps of all time. So the only thing that had changed in my routine was that instead of using the Merkur 34C, I was taking this cheap plastic disposable thing for a whirl.
A funny thing- I had totally forgotten just how fast and loose you can be when using one of these plastic disposable things. These plastic disposable things are designed to be idiot proof! I was moving fast, but without that fateful thought in my head- “one false move and there’s gonna be blood everywhere!” Basically, I knew that there was little and in fact perhaps nothing I could possibly do to cause bloodshed. I could’ve shaved with my eyes closed- I might have missed a patch of hair here or there, but the point is, I wouldn’t have cut myself, no way, no how. Basically, these mass produced razors seem to have been designed with exactly this purpose- to allow you, in a somewhat miraculous way, to apply super sharp metal blades to your face, without any fear whatsoever that you might cut yourself to shreds.
“I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That is my dream; that is my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor… and surviving.”
– Colonel Walter E. Kurtz, Apocalypse Now
Mass produced plastic razors have taken the dangerous edge right out of men’s shaving. With plastic razors there is no longer any question as to whether or not you will survive. You WILL survive. What will end up killing you is some stupid crap, like testicular cancer caused by your deodorant, which contains aluminum.
It all depends on what you want in life. I suppose in that dump hotel room in the Middle East I had reached a point where I was no longer as interested in feeling that Zen like Eckhart Tolle feeling you sometimes get when you shave with a DE razor and a super sharp blade, like a Feather blade, which forces you to be absolutely and totally present for like 15 straight minutes of your life.
I supposed I just wanted to take some time off, and play around with these plastic things, which you can totally race around on your face, even along the edges of your jaw, without worrying that you’re about to slice your whole cheek in half.
The fact that the head on this plastic thing was so small, that itself gave it a kind of novelty like feel. Let me be clear- I didn’t return to shaving with any old plastic disposable razors- I went out and searched for more of this particular small headed razor. OK, here are some more photos.
There was a period of time when I was living and working in London. I went to ASDA, and I was delighted to see that the razor I had used in that dump Middle East hotel room was not only available, but it also happened to be on sale- on an ASDA “Rollback” sale. I got several large bags of these razors, which, with the Rollback price reduction, brought the price down to approximately $0.20 (20 US cents) per razor. I will readily admit, that’s about twice what I was paying for each double edge razor blade for the Merkur 34C, when for instance I was buying boxes of Derby blades, which come 100 in a box. However, the good time I was having with these cheap disposable razors made it worth it to me; I decided to pay a little extra in order to enjoy this naughty little escapade.
Some time passed. I kept using these plastic disposable razors. Then I reconnected with a good friend of mine in London, a guy I’ve actually mentioned elsewhere on this website- Oliver. I turned Oliver on to DE shaving over five years ago, and he’s been using DE razors ever since. In any case I met Oliver for lunch, and I brought him (1) a shaving brush from Amsterdam- a cheap brush which I just absolutely adore, even though it’s not badger hair, but probably just some cheap boar’s hair- there’s just something about the brush that makes it really wonderful to use, and maybe I’ll write about it in another blog post; and (2) a bag of five of the small head plastic disposable razors which I had discovered in that Middle Eastern hotel bathroom. I said “Look Oliver, before you judge me, please just give these a chance.”
Christ Almighty I’m only human.
I never heard from Oliver regarding these razors. I hope he doesn’t feel that I have totally betrayed the principles underpinning the Baby Butt Smooth website. Christ Almighty I’m only human. At least I’m coming clean.
I continued working in the Middle East during this same time period, when I started using these plastic disposable razors. I kept telling myself, “Phil man, don’t be so hard on yourself; you’re flying back and forth between these rotten unstable Middle Eastern countries. You don’t need to be stopped by security and questioned about the box of double edged razor blades in your bag. Just enjoy these plastic disposable blades for a while.” That’s what I told myself. I made myself believe that I wasn’t really betraying my principles, but that instead, I was just being practical. Well that’s just a bunch of hooey, because I WAS in fact betraying the principles of DE shaving; but I’m telling you these small plastic things are fun to use. Not all plastic things, but these small plastic things in particular.
I made myself believe that I wasn’t really betraying my principles, but that instead, I was just being practical.
In the UK, they’re packaged as “Wilkinson Sword Extra Sensitive 2”. Here is a photo of what they looked like in ASDA in London.
In the USA, for reasons I don’t understand, they’re marketed as “Schick Slim Twins”. The name “Schick” is a pretty crazy name to call anything, but anyway in America they’re called “Schick Slim Twins”. Warning: these Schick razors cost MORE in the USA than the “Wilkinson Sword” razors cost in Europe- God only knows why. In most cases, things seem to cost less in America. On the other hand, there’s another fantastic shaving product I’ve found in the UK which also has an insanely low price- the Palmolive shaving stick, which in the UK cost like 49 pence a piece. These Palmolive shaving sticks are an absolutely outstanding value in shaving soap. I spent several months in an “Axis of Evil” country (I don’t want to mention which one) and for whatever reason I decided to bring along a Palmolive stick, instead of my Tabac shaving soap- so I really got into the Palmolive stick for several straight months of shaving. The performance of these Palmolive sticks is flat out great, and based on the price, almost confusing and bizarre. Sorry, getting back to the “Schick Slim Twins”:
Try them out, see what you think, and please don’t judge me too harshly. Please try to be open minded. I am doing my best to be a good person.
Thank you very much for visiting the Baby Butt Smooth website. Thank you for taking the time to read these little articles. I really do appreciate it. I sincerely appreciate it. Thank you.